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Not much shocks me anymore, so I was duly impressed by nature when I rocked into my local Whole Foods and saw these bad boys:


What the actual fuck? I've never heard of them before either. They’re pretty spidery and creepy up close, but they smell wonderful. They’re basically a lemon with no juice. I did some research and this is what I found:

"Buddha's hand is a fruit of the citron variety that has a thick peel and only a small amount of acidic flesh (if any), is juiceless and sometimes seedless. Buddha's hand fruit is very fragrant and is used predominantly by the Chinese and Japanese for perfuming rooms and personal items, such as clothing. The fruit may be given as a religious offering in Buddhist temples."

I did buy one, not because I wanted to eat it particularly, but because I thought it would make an outstanding prop that me and the girls could have hours of lowbrow fun with. And when you’re right, you’re right. For your viewing pleasure, a photo essay starring Carri Ann:

What can you do with a Buddha Hand? Anything! Everything! You have to ask??!! It’s so many things!

It’s a beauty pageant crown!


It’s the star on top of your Christmas Tree!


It’s an fashionable oversize ring!


A deformed hand!


Puke!


A dish scrubber!


White girl dreads!


A potted plant for the office!


A jewelry holder!


A genital wart!


A comb!


A royal family fascinator!


And it’s not just what, but who!!!!!!!!!!

Carmen Miranda!


Bart Simpson’s Hair!


A giant undersea creature that eats boats!


A googly-eyed octopus!


An undersea anemone!


WHEW! Right?

Alas, I wanted this to go on forever, but we had to get back to work, and also, just like a regular lemon, mine is going bad. What am I going to do with it? I’m drying it. It’s going to be used as rind in one of my many holiday baking experiments. Stay tuned.

Jessica

www.crasscuisine.com

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