It all started beautifully:
Even Stella got into it:
This Valentine's day, I planned an elaborate three-course meal for my boyfriend Chris and I to eat together. I thought I was being super-impressive by cooking oysters in butter with a champagne vinegar mignonette, "beeting heart" salad with roasted beets cut out with a heart-shaped cookie cutter on a bed of watercress, asparagus and steaks. And to be fair, while we ate and enjoyed champagne, it was delicious. What sucked was later.
No, I'm not talking about later as in one of those epic Valentine's Day fights couples have that involve violent drunkeness, broken dishes and an ever-after aversion to the day, I'm talking about when my stomach started to feel like a long car ride between Mitt Romney and that gay Vietnam vet he denied partner benefits to. Slowly it dawned on me: it must be the oysters. Cautiously I asked Chris how he felt, and he felt lousy too. So there you have it. I accidentally tried to kill a man on the day of love. Whatever, God.
Most likely, this was the result of red tide, and after doing a little research I discovered that only the ignorant and mentally ill buy oysters from B.C. Our mild coastal climate results in frequent algae blooms, which means you're playing Russian roulette with your intestines. I'm certain you can get safe oysters in BC, I'm not saying that, but I am saying that all it takes is one to make you wish you'd never been born and wonder why you don't always sleep on your bathroom floor because it's so nice and cool.
So, yeah. We're still together but yeesh. Talk about your all time worst fuck-ups. I guess the moral of this story is don't get creative on V day. Because if you do get creative in the kitchen you might not be able to be creative in other places. Eh? Ehhhh? See what I did there?
Jessica
www.crasscuisine.com
Even Stella got into it:
This Valentine's day, I planned an elaborate three-course meal for my boyfriend Chris and I to eat together. I thought I was being super-impressive by cooking oysters in butter with a champagne vinegar mignonette, "beeting heart" salad with roasted beets cut out with a heart-shaped cookie cutter on a bed of watercress, asparagus and steaks. And to be fair, while we ate and enjoyed champagne, it was delicious. What sucked was later.
No, I'm not talking about later as in one of those epic Valentine's Day fights couples have that involve violent drunkeness, broken dishes and an ever-after aversion to the day, I'm talking about when my stomach started to feel like a long car ride between Mitt Romney and that gay Vietnam vet he denied partner benefits to. Slowly it dawned on me: it must be the oysters. Cautiously I asked Chris how he felt, and he felt lousy too. So there you have it. I accidentally tried to kill a man on the day of love. Whatever, God.
Most likely, this was the result of red tide, and after doing a little research I discovered that only the ignorant and mentally ill buy oysters from B.C. Our mild coastal climate results in frequent algae blooms, which means you're playing Russian roulette with your intestines. I'm certain you can get safe oysters in BC, I'm not saying that, but I am saying that all it takes is one to make you wish you'd never been born and wonder why you don't always sleep on your bathroom floor because it's so nice and cool.
So, yeah. We're still together but yeesh. Talk about your all time worst fuck-ups. I guess the moral of this story is don't get creative on V day. Because if you do get creative in the kitchen you might not be able to be creative in other places. Eh? Ehhhh? See what I did there?
Jessica
www.crasscuisine.com
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6 comments
Let's all get indian drunk and go streaking! Red Doe has socks throughout his house! He likes boozefest, screaming FUUUUUCK!
Can you please turn the profanity down?
Joe's whole thing with VS was his laid-back vibe - read it chilling, so to say.
Your posts are dramatic and made worse by all the swearing. It isn't cool, clever - it's jolting and not chill at all. Note it isn't the language - it's the vibe you're destroying with dramatica and cussing.
Seriously, please calm down. I skip your postings like I skip ads and articles about Sarah Palin and that crazy 'I'm not a witch' chick.
One of the things I like about VS is that they have a few different styles that leads to an eclectic mix of perspectives. It sounds like my stuff is not to your liking or taste. If that's the case, then I encourage you to continue to skip my posts.
Keep up the good work Jessica – and the great cooking. And although I hate cats (and choose not to read cat blogs) I like your posts and love cooking tips.
I am a fan of Jessica's posts and they always make me laugh.
Keep it up Jessica! Crass Cuisine is a nice comedic addition to the VS blog.
Although there has been a lack of updates on restaurants recently....
Great post ! I keep coming back to this blog to read stuff like this :)
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